Macabre Ray of Sunshine...

Let me start by saying thank you to Andy for donating the title of today's blog. I feel it sums up not only the last few days but my life, in general. Some may ask, "Why, Andrew, does this sum up your life?" Ahhh, for that question I surely have a few answers, for the answer to that question is to say that I don't have the answers to my own god damn questions. Feel free to "X" this window out now, as it is going to be pretty much downhill from here. I know I promised this wouldn't be a bitch blog but.....I lied.

I know that it is the same for everyone: life throws you curveballs, "if (insert fake deity here) gives you lemons, make lemonade" and all that positive approach to life bullshit but as we all know...I don't buy in to everyone's ideas on happiness and success and, well, other bullshit. I am a pessimist, a cynic, a skeptic, and hold in my posession a very sardonic, sarcastic, borderline caustic view of the world. Some might say I hide it well behind an affable personality and others might say I am a huge dick and a pain in the ass. I would like to think that both are true. Given my nature, however, it has recently come to my attention that I, in fact, have little way of dealing with those god damned, mother fucking curveballs because, and this is the truth....life does not and will not work out exactly the way you want it to. There, I said it. All you positivity mongers who I am sure are now mortified can feel free to leave. I told you before and you didn't listen. Lesson learned.

I don't necessarily feel comfortable talking about all of my problems on blogger...that would be a bit pathetic. What I mean is that I try and keep certain things personal...most things personal...and choose not to burden too much those around me with my problems. Thus, any of you who stayed on hoping to know what it is that has me so down can now also feel free to leave. It is probably not coming, and chances are you will be disappointed.

The real truth is that I can only conjecture as to what, exactly, is bringing me down. Maybe it is a bad mood that has stuck since the onset of puberty. Maybe it is because my seemingly really sweet life has this whole "dark" undertone, but what the fuck, who's doesn't? Maybe, and I think it is this one, it is that I am realizing that despite all the wonderful things I do have, and believe me, there are a lot of wonderful things, I'm in fuckin London for chrissakes, I still don't have much to grasp on to. (Whew, run on sentence) There is nothing solid. Nothing 100% stable in my life. Or maybe it's just that I miss my friend...every day...every second of every day...and no matter how much I miss that person I know that when I get back to the US of A I will still have to miss my friend every day...every second of every day.

A very wise, if misunderstood friend told me that it hurts 0.1% less every day, not because you get over it but because you push it to the wayside, essentially forgetting. I don't want to forget, ever, and I know that I won't. In the long run, that is what sucks most of all.

My next blog, I promise, will not be so depressed. In fact, I am sure this one will never reach most of the people who read my blogs eyes, as I am sure that tomorrow I will read it, realize I was being stupid, and immediately delete it forever. Those of you who do see it...IM me, e-mail me, or use any method of contacting me possible and when you do, please, just tell me that this, too, shall pass and that it will all be alright. I will most certainly not believe you, given my nature, but hopefully it will register on some sort of subconscious level and I will come away from reading it or hearing it feeling 0.1% better...